The Selfishness of Others by Kristin Dombek

It's become chic to be a victim. 

And it's easiest to point to the lowest hanging fruit—usually someone the "victim" once loved (and probably still loves) as the source of toxic boundary-less oppression. In The Selfishness of Others by Kristin Dombek, it is observed that in the 21st Century, the "victim" will probably go to the Internet for help and there, be told that, "yes, your loved one has the same disorder as the murderers, a new selfishness different in scope but not in quality from those characters who are the very incarnation of what we mean when we say evil. You'll read, in that sizable portion of the self-help Internet we might call, awkwardly, the narcisphere, a story that can change the way you see everything, if you start believing in it ... You're the hero (pages 6-7)."

Most of these victim-heroes frequently point to their anxiety and depression as evidence of the wrong that has been done to them as they pursue therapy or coaching that isn't free:

"In the company of these websites, you can begin your 'recovery journey' of healing. The websites lead you to books written by the same people who wrote the websites, books designed to deepen your understanding of the trap you've fallen into and how nearly impossible it is to get out without the support of (page 24)" any number of gurus and coaches making videos that they sell for 20 or 30 monthly bucks or more than that for individualized coaching. 

The "victim" spends countless hours hunched over a screen to find evidence within the mound of illogic to validate their situation. After all, asks Dombek, "How can the person who sucks the conversational air out of a room and the one who lights it up, the one who can't keep a job and the one who leads an organization, the one who is overly positive about herself and the one who is overly humble, the one who takes all and the one who gives all, have the same disorder? (page 23)"

Not only is it not free in terms of money, it's not free in terms of emotion as these para-professionals make bank on the unknowing victim-heroes and urge them to do the unimaginable, which is to cut off contact with the ones you once loved (and probably still love) by practicing either NC (no contact) or NCEV (no contact ever again). And they help put a "brave" sticker on such behavior and then lead you to the next step of the recovery journey, which is to practice radical self-love. To look at yourself in the mirror and fall in love with you, you, you. Nothing matters more than you. Fuck them all. 

You are the one that matters. 

You are the hero. 

You are.

You.  

Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides

In 2002, when Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides was published, I bought a copy. I was 35 years old. I knew it was a book about sexuality but I wasn't sure what about sexuality the story was EXACTLY about. I assumed it was about a homosexual person because back then, when sexuality was the word, that word had me leap to the letter L (as in Lesbian) or G (as in Gay) and maybe even B (as in Bisexual). Having lived my life as an H (as in Heterosexual, not Hermaphrodite) with a husband and two children to underscore my "normalness," it felt thrilling to occasionally enter portals of taboo through books, to explore stories about being with a man and also with a woman. For whatever reason, I never read Middlesex back then.

This year in 2023, I bought the book again and this time, I had a better idea about the portal I was entering. Sexuality in this story is less about L or G or B and more about I (as in Intersex) and T (as in Transgender but not the kind of T that is sweeping the current times with about 20 percent of the US youth population claiming T status through self-identification but rather, the 1.7 percent of the global population born as Intersex where sexual anatomy upon birth is neither male nor female because of the uncommon presence of an extra Y chromosome in the person's genes.) Once upon a time, Intersex used to be called H, as in Hermaphroditism. 

Calliope Stephanides is the protagonist of Middlesex where upon birth, she presents as female with sexual anatomy that is consistent with a girl. The beautiful and difficult story of Calliope and her Greek-American ancestry is one where she doesn't develop like other girls mainly because of the extra Y chromosome that her body has had at birth but doesn't get detected until much later. Through this discovery during her adolescence, Calliope decides to transition into Cal and exist more as male than female. Not all Intersex people transition to the gender that they were not assigned to at birth. Some decide to keep the original assignment. Cal represents the segment of Intersex people who do transition into the gender that they were not assigned to at birth because in hindsight and current sight and future sight, it feels more correct.

The first half of the book lays the fascinating historical context of Calliope's Greek ancestors who grew up in Mount Olympus in Asia Minor and immigrated to Detroit, Michigan and became the definition of American resilience. The incestuous intricacies of Calliope's ancestors help explain how chromosomes may have mutated to create Calliope. This aspect of the book could feel uneasy for those who don't like the word "mutation" or "aberration" or "abnormality" to describe any human, let alone one's child.

As a mom, I understand ferociously, that instinct.

I also understand that being born with an extra Y chromosome is different than an XY boy wanting to play with dolls or an XX girl wanting to dress like a boy. Or a 35 year old married woman wondering in the middle of the night what it would feel like to make love to a woman.

I've seen the best of America. I've lived it. The best of America protects the vulnerable. We protect the boy who plays with dolls, we protect the girl who dresses like a boy. The best of America also protects the 1.7 percent of the population like Calliope transitioning into Cal—who are at odds with chromosomes that make gender identity a true biological conundrum. 

I also think the best and level-headed segment of America protects parents who want to push the pause button for their kids and breathe a collective breath, especially when the extra Y chromosome isn't present, to help their children grapple with pink, blue, purple, dolls, balls, L, G, and B ... until they are fully mature and ready to take adult medical steps for T, as in Transgender.